Obsession a compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.. We all suffer from them and each one of ours are different. Some may be obsessed with money, sex, or food. Not me, well, maybe the last one a little bit. No, my obsession is so perverse and all consuming that it has permeated every nook and cranny of my life. And I am here to face it and admit to it in front of the blogosphere. This pains me, and my loved ones, but I am. How do I put it? Screw it, I'm just going to say it. I am obsessed with being lazy. That's right I am L- A -Z -Y. I know that may come as a surprise to all of you. But I've been keeping it quite for years, just like Andy Dick has with his career. But thought the best way to get over it, was to face it. And by doing so maybe help other closet lazy people face their fears without fear of ridicule and persecution. Here's my story.
I guess you could say my infliction started at birth when they bundled me up in soft sheets and laid me down in that comfortable cradle for the first time and I said to myself "I like this." Then for the first year or so of my life I did nothing. All my needs were taken care of for me. When I was hungry, they fed me. When I needed bathing, they washed me, and when I did my business, well they took care of that too. It was a lifestyle that I grew accustomed to and relished in. Heck I didn't even have to worry about walking anywhere. They would just put me in a nice stroller and push me where ever I wanted to go. Oh those were a lazy mans days. Of course there were obstacles. I remember when they tried to teach me how to walk. I fought that tooth and nail and was able to hold on in my stroller steadfastly until I was seven when I no longer fit in it.
I also remember the first time I sweated. Oh what a horrible day that was.
I was playing some sport and stopped and was wondering what the salty
discharge on my forehead was and why was it so cumbersome to breath? I
did not like that. Plus the next day my muscles were sore and that was
something this guy didn't ever want to experience again. So I figured
out, I could still enjoy sport from the comfort of my own couch with
the bonus of my favorite snack without the uncomfortable feeling of
physical activity. Plus, I could exert my superior knowledge of all
things sports that I have gained from my many years of watching sporting
events on the television, by tweeting random tweets, or post on sport pages why this player, coach or team sucks and what they need to do if they ever want to amount to crap. And if I'm feeling really active I'll pick up a phone and call my local sports radio station and berate those same players/coaches, that have dedicated their entire lives to whatever sport they practice, why they need to catch the first bus out of town because they obviously stink. Thank god for technology, it really helps the lazy to maintain their lifestyle.
But being lazy has come with a hefty price. For one it has hindered me from being famous. Yes, that's right, I should be a famous comedian by now. But I am to lazy to sit down, write jokes, practice those said jokes and then go perform those same jokes. Keeping me from reaching my full comedic potential. That my friends is a tragedy not just for me but the entire world. Could you imagine if Bill Gates was lazy like me? Then you wouldn't be reading this I guess. My lazy obsession even turned it's evil head for this blog entry. I wanted to write this three days ago but there was a Who's The Boss marathon on the television and we had Mallomars. But all this lazy talk has made me tired and I think I have a few Mallomars left so until the next fart, don't be ashamed of your laziness, embrace it. Or whatever....