Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Blizzard Brawl Nutcracker

      Now one of the many benefits of doing TV commercials for radio stations is getting asked to do some pretty neat and outrageous things. In Milwaukee, one of those crazy things I did was to participate in a pro wrestling event called Blizzard Brawl http://blizzardbrawl.blogspot.com/.  It was the third annual Blizzard Brawl and I was asked to guest referee a match between the late wrestling legend Luna Vachon  and TNA's own Traci Brooks. I was extremely honored and excited, because I grew up watching Luna wrestle and, well, Traci Brooks is pretty hot. I was so charged up, that I hardly noticed the two hours it took to paint ref stripes and The Brew's logo onto my shirtless body.

    The paint job must have looked great, because people were clamoring for pictures of Dancing Kevin in his ref gear. The time leading up to the match just flew by.
         When the time grew near, we learned that the Blizzard Brawl was going to be Luna's very last match after 35 years in the business. Because of injuries, Luna was going to relinquish her belt to Traci Brooks instead of fighting.
         The announcer asked Luna to come out and say a few things to the fans. Halfway through her speech, Traci grabbed me and lead me out to the ring among a mixture of cheers and boos.

             We entered the ring and Luna was surprised. I asked if I could say some things and she allowed me to tell her how honored I was to be there for her last match and how I watched her as a kid and loved watching her....when suddenly, Traci yanked the mike out of my hand and began talking!
             She began to heap praise onto the grateful Luna.--then--without warning--Traci tells Luna that because she isn't going to defend the belt, Luna doesn't deserve it. Traci yanks the belt away from Luna. Of course, this infuriated Luna and she took a swing at Traci. I...being the ref...felt the need to protect Traci from the sucker punch and blocked it with my arm. This was a BIG MISTAKE.
               Luna turned her fury towards me and lands a very swift  and prearranged kick to my man parts with her pointy boots, but instead of missing she landed a death blow to my poor boys. I dropped instantly and rolled out of the ring onto the floor clinching my injured manhood. As I writhed painfully on the ground  a twelve year old boy stood over me and pointed at me and yells "Find your balls and put 'em back in your pants, you loser!" As I tried to grasp what was transpiring  and analyze what caused the slow decay of western civilization that  had led up to this particular moment, I see Traci thrown out of the ring. I stumble over to grab her and get her out of there when I look up to see Luna. She was clearly not finished kicking Traci's ass. As Luna threw Traci into the crowd and the crowd scattered I became a spectator instead of a participant. Until someone yelled "Hey, you're the ref shouldn't you be trying to break this up." I snapped back to reality and tried to get between the two combatants to only be quickly tossed over three to five chairs. As I struggled to get back up I began to think. "This isn't the way we planned it. I think these two ladies really want to kill each other." I began to panic a little bit.
              Luna and Traci fought their way back to the door they came through at the beginning of the match. When they got near the back, there were tables set up selling wrestling memorabilia.
Luna picked Traci up and threw her across the table .I jumped up, got between Luna and the table, waving my hands screaming "That's it, no more" Luna actually grabbed me and threw me over the table. I got up and tried to calm her down again. Luna once again grabbed me and threw me over another table, this one containing old WWE VHS videos. This is beginning to get out of hand.

         As I picked myself up off the ground I saw Traci fall through the back door with Luna closely behind her  swinging a very large chair. I busted through the door thinking she's going to kill Traci. As the door closed behind me and I fell to my knees out of breath reaching out yelling "Stop it." Luna looks at me drops the chair and smiles. Then turns to Traci and they give each other the biggest hug. Reality steps back in.



  1. It was the BEST match ever! Kevin got whomped.