Saturday, December 29, 2012

Random Useless Question?

Do you ever wonder how many random photo's you are in? Like in someone else's background (See above)? And do you ever wonder if you look good in them? Obviously in the photo above the answer is 100% smoking hot. :)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Biggest Loser!

    A few years back I tried out for the Biggest Loser. Apparently I was fat enough to be flown to Salt Lake City for an interview with the producers. I met the producers at the posh Salt lake city Hotel Monaco I was extremely nervous knowing that if I nailed this it would change my life forever. I entered the room visibly nervous and shook all the producers hands and then posed with my shirt off , for what I could only presume, was for the photo cattle call back at their offices in Los Angeles. I actually pictured them back in LA  in a dark room, just like the scene out of Animal House, where my picture comes up and they all start screaming and throwing cheesy puffs and sodas at it. As the shutter on the camera clicked  I pushed my stomach out a little further then normal thinking any little bit would help.                        I sat down for the interview portion of the afternoon. It was the strangest interview I have ever been involved with. I spent over an hour trying to convince these people what a fat pathetic loser I was. To only be told after an hour and a full box of tissues later, I wasn't pathetic enough. Do you know what that does to guy like me? I didn't know if I was a bigger loser or less of a loser for not being picked. I shook their hands and vowed to them I would return fatter and more pathetic then anyone they have or will ever cast. As I got up from the table I grabbed two donuts from a plate and shoved them in my mouth saying "starting now!"
      But on the short flight home I rehashed the interview over and over in my head. What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? Should I have gone in there on a hoveround?

 I got off the plane in Colorado Springs disappointed and dejected. My girlfriend picked me up out front of the terminal. She could tell right away something was wrong and asked me how it went. I told her every painful detail of the interview and finished it off with I didn't get chosen. I teared up a bit and held my head down. At that moment I felt her hand on my back as she quickly and confidently reassured me that I was the same pathetic loser that ruined her life ten years ago. I raised my head, looked out the window, smiled and said "Who's the Biggest Loser now?"

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Christmas And Peace On Earth On Full Automatic

Merry Christmas and Peace on Earth fully locked and loaded. I'm sure this is what the baby Jesus wanted on his birthday.Lol.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Blatant Self Promotion

      I hope you all have enjoyed my recent ramblings and stick around for future ones that are sure to come, if we all survive tomorrow of course. So I want to say that I am  sorry to interrupt The Daily Fart with blatant self promotion. But I have this really strange fantasy. That one day I will be walking a street in my town or a far away place and come face to face with someone wearing this shirt.

Or one like it. So please help me fulfill this fantasy by going to and check out the many designs my sister help create. I think you will find something for you or that hard to shop for friend. And if none of these designs excite you, Try I've been working on more silly designs like this.

So support the Daily Fart and spread the word. Thanks again for reading. And remember, keep farting. It's not healthy to hold it in.

Caught In The Act

Uh oh...those TSA agents don't let anything past them...not even a poor guy trying to relieve himself!! Taken a few years back while I worked for an airline. Just trying to keep the Daily Fart Classy friends.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Blizzard Brawl Nutcracker

      Now one of the many benefits of doing TV commercials for radio stations is getting asked to do some pretty neat and outrageous things. In Milwaukee, one of those crazy things I did was to participate in a pro wrestling event called Blizzard Brawl  It was the third annual Blizzard Brawl and I was asked to guest referee a match between the late wrestling legend Luna Vachon  and TNA's own Traci Brooks. I was extremely honored and excited, because I grew up watching Luna wrestle and, well, Traci Brooks is pretty hot. I was so charged up, that I hardly noticed the two hours it took to paint ref stripes and The Brew's logo onto my shirtless body.

    The paint job must have looked great, because people were clamoring for pictures of Dancing Kevin in his ref gear. The time leading up to the match just flew by.
         When the time grew near, we learned that the Blizzard Brawl was going to be Luna's very last match after 35 years in the business. Because of injuries, Luna was going to relinquish her belt to Traci Brooks instead of fighting.
         The announcer asked Luna to come out and say a few things to the fans. Halfway through her speech, Traci grabbed me and lead me out to the ring among a mixture of cheers and boos.

             We entered the ring and Luna was surprised. I asked if I could say some things and she allowed me to tell her how honored I was to be there for her last match and how I watched her as a kid and loved watching her....when suddenly, Traci yanked the mike out of my hand and began talking!
             She began to heap praise onto the grateful Luna.--then--without warning--Traci tells Luna that because she isn't going to defend the belt, Luna doesn't deserve it. Traci yanks the belt away from Luna. Of course, this infuriated Luna and she took a swing at Traci. I...being the ref...felt the need to protect Traci from the sucker punch and blocked it with my arm. This was a BIG MISTAKE.
               Luna turned her fury towards me and lands a very swift  and prearranged kick to my man parts with her pointy boots, but instead of missing she landed a death blow to my poor boys. I dropped instantly and rolled out of the ring onto the floor clinching my injured manhood. As I writhed painfully on the ground  a twelve year old boy stood over me and pointed at me and yells "Find your balls and put 'em back in your pants, you loser!" As I tried to grasp what was transpiring  and analyze what caused the slow decay of western civilization that  had led up to this particular moment, I see Traci thrown out of the ring. I stumble over to grab her and get her out of there when I look up to see Luna. She was clearly not finished kicking Traci's ass. As Luna threw Traci into the crowd and the crowd scattered I became a spectator instead of a participant. Until someone yelled "Hey, you're the ref shouldn't you be trying to break this up." I snapped back to reality and tried to get between the two combatants to only be quickly tossed over three to five chairs. As I struggled to get back up I began to think. "This isn't the way we planned it. I think these two ladies really want to kill each other." I began to panic a little bit.
              Luna and Traci fought their way back to the door they came through at the beginning of the match. When they got near the back, there were tables set up selling wrestling memorabilia.
Luna picked Traci up and threw her across the table .I jumped up, got between Luna and the table, waving my hands screaming "That's it, no more" Luna actually grabbed me and threw me over the table. I got up and tried to calm her down again. Luna once again grabbed me and threw me over another table, this one containing old WWE VHS videos. This is beginning to get out of hand.

         As I picked myself up off the ground I saw Traci fall through the back door with Luna closely behind her  swinging a very large chair. I busted through the door thinking she's going to kill Traci. As the door closed behind me and I fell to my knees out of breath reaching out yelling "Stop it." Luna looks at me drops the chair and smiles. Then turns to Traci and they give each other the biggest hug. Reality steps back in.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Addicted to Brew

 I know it's been a while since my last posting in the Daily Fart, but do not fret. I have been working on a story that I believe and hope you will find entertaining. But in the meantime I will leave you Daily Fartones with this. As many of you know, I have had the great opportunity to star in some tv commercials for a few radio stations around the United States and Canada This full length video was shot for the station where it all started, 105.7 the Brew in Columbus Ohio. It was a parody of Robert Palmer's 80's mega hit Addicted to Love but with a Brew twist. All the the people you see in this video are played by me. I learned during this shoot a very valuable lesson. I do not make a pretty lady. So sit back and enjoy. Please feel free to share and comment.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Chasing The Sun

      With the season's first snowfall, I was reminded of a story from my early day's working for America West Airlines in Columbus, Ohio. It was the winter of 1998/1999 and I woke up to a snowstorm in central Ohio. I turned on the television just in time to see the local news break into the regular scheduled programming  to give us an exclusive (not really exclusive as every local station gives the same report annually at any hint of a possible snowflake) report from the ODOT salt hanger. While the reporter bent down to hold a little salt in her hand at the bottom of the screen a ticket tape  showing area schools, events and airline cancellations or delays were rolling on and on. It was during this endless roll of cancellations and delays I had my epiphany. I could sit here locked up in my house watching the endless breaking weather reports, or listen to the radio as callers and DJ's complain about the snow they had to drive through. Or I could to do something about it. Since I had the next two day's off, I chose to do something about it. I grabbed my keys and got in my car and pointed it towards the airport.
        Getting to the airport was no easy task. The snow was coming down harder then I anticipated. The roads, although passable, were covered with drivers who thought it best to use the brake instead of the gas pedal. As I inched closer and closer to the airport at a snails pace I began to wonder if this was a bad idea. Was I going to get there to only find out all the flights have been cancelled?  Or that so many other flights were cancelled from other airlines that they put all those people on the one flight I was planning to get on? Or was I, judging from this traffic, ever going to get there on time? But just when all things looked lost the airport exit came into view, I made it. When I got to the airport I made a B line to the America West ticket counter and asked one of my co workers if the Phoenix flight was full or leaving at all. She told me yes it had seats and it was leaving and booked me on the flight quickly as it was going to be leaving in about an hour. I got to the gate just as they were beginning to board. Now as a nonrev passenger this is the most stressful time. Anything can happen as they board the flight. This is when you begin to pray for a twelve car pile up on 270, one that no one gets hurt of course, just one that keeps all those other people that are late off this flight. They finally started to clear standbys. I felt relieved when they called my name and handed me a boarding pass. I got in my seat by the window and looked out at my co workers struggling in the snow. If this was the day before it would of been me out there. I was thankful it wasn't and sad for them. A few minutes passed and the door of the aircraft was closed and the inflights put on their "this is how you operate a seat buckle" show and we were on our way. As the plane climbed into the air I looked down at the snow covered city and watched until we broke through the clouds and couldn't see it any more. I've made it, I've escaped the wintery prison below. As I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes I thought, "now what?"
          I woke up just as our plane touched ground at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. As we taxied to the gate I realized I had not really formulated a plan what to do next. Should I stay in Phoenix or should I go somewhere else? Guess I'm going to find out. I walked off the plane into the hustle and bustle that is the Phoenix airport. I looked around and said to myself, "naw, this isn't where I want to be today."
Just at that moment the gate next to the one I just got off began boarding a flight going to San Diego. I thought out loud "why not?" I turned and walked over to the gate agent and asked her if they had seats available on this flight. They did and I quickly got a boarding pass and was walking down the jet bridge to a destination that, just a few hours ago I knew was  the setting for Three's Company.

      As the plane took off I was very excited. Not only because this was the first time I was ever going to California, or to see the Pacific Ocean. I was excited because of the adventure I embarked on. It was a short flight over to San Diego and as we approached the airport I could see, for the very first time, the massive expanse of the Pacific Ocean. It was incredible. I knew exactly where I wanted to go when I finally got off that plane.
       When I did get off the plane I made my way to the America West ticket counter and asked the lady working there what was the quickest way to the water. She told me I could just walk outside the terminal and catch a 5 minute bus ride that will take me to the Star of India, a boat moored in the harbor, it's not the ocean but it's the quickest to the water. I said that would do and thanked her. I took the bus to the harbor and exited near the Star of India. I took a deep breath, smelling the salty air. I made it. I walked to the very end of a pier that was there and sat down with my feet dangling over the side taking in the entire scene. I watched boats come and go. Seagulls land near by and demand food from bystanders that decided to eat lunch there. But mostly, I just enjoyed the warmth of the sun as it beat down on my face. My smile must of been as noticeable as Mount Rushmore because a lady walked up to me and started a conversation. We talked about what a beautiful day it was in San Diego and how it's pretty much a beautiful day in San Diego everyday. I told her where I was from and that I work for an airline. And when I got up that morning it was snowing like crazy, so I decided to get on a plane and come to San Diego.  She then asked me , out of all the places I could of gone, what brought me there to San Diego?  I replied to her "I was just chasing the sun."

  I told this story to my friend Andy Hawk. A very talented songwriter and singer. It inspired him to write this song.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Scottsman, Irishman and an American Walk into a Bar

    Sounds like a beginning to a really great joke doesn't it? Well, it's actually a great beginning to this very true story.
     As all of you know, or maybe not knew. I used to work for an airline for thirteen years. And one of the perks of working for an airline were free or very discounted flights to anywhere you wanted to travel. Because of this I have been able to go and do a lot of very cool things and meet a lot of really great people. One of those things I got to do was take my mother, who's of irish descent, to Ireland with my father for a trip of a lifetime. We spent our day's traveling the Irish countryside visiting small towns and big cities. Then at night stopping at an inn or hotel, enjoying an Irish dinner then finishing the evening off with a pint of Guinness while listening to some Irish music and sharing a little bit of craic with the locals. The evening we spent in Killarney wasn't much different then any other night except of one incident I would like to share with you.
      After dinner and a pint of Guinness my mother and father were feeling tired and decided to turn in early. I, on the other hand, wanted to stay up a little while and continue to listen to the local Irish band that was playing in the pub. I got up and sat at the bar and ordered another pint from the Irish bartender and began a rather entertaining conversation with him and the Scottish guy sitting next to me. When all of a sudden the door of the pub swung open and a bus load of very loud English tourists came in and sat down at a table. They were so loud and obnoxious that you could barely hear the sound of the Irish bagpipes over their babble. The mood of the bartender and Scotsman visibly changed. Then the loudest member of the English party got up and walked towards us. When he got to the bar he slapped his money on the bar top and ordered a round of beers, loud enough so everyone in the pub could hear, for everyone in his party. After the bartender poured his order. He slapped us hard on the back and said. "Sorry lads, would love to buy you guys a pint but you're not in our party." And walked off laughing. The Scottish guy looks at us and say's in his strong Scottish accent,
"Fucking English."
"We don't need their fucking money." said the Irish bartender in his Irish accent. Then they both looked at me. I raised my head up from my pint and said.
"Don't look at me, we kicked them off our island two hundred years ago."
    They both let out a yell and started laughing and smacking me on the back and looking at the English tourists who suddenly became very aware that they were the butt of some kind of joke. Needless to say I didn't need to buy a drink the rest of the night in Killarney.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Love You Pittsburgh

Just wanted to share this video from a very good friend of mine from Pittsburgh that I have had the honor to get to know, Mike Travers. Remember that name, you will most definitely hear it again.  Mikes a very funny guy that I worked with for years in Columbus at America West Airlines, and consider one of my closets friends. One summer after we had left that job with the airline Mike, another very talented friend and musician Andy Hawk, and I took a trip up to South Bend, Kenosha,  and Chicago to watch Andy do some shows and get in some gigs our self. All three of us made a pledge as we sat on the waterfront of Lake Michigan in Kenosha, that if one of us makes it we all do. Well, it seems that we are all doing some pretty great things and I am proud of Mike and Andy. Mike had written a song about his hometown of Pittsburgh. And it was so well received in Pittsburgh that now it's part of a television campaign on KDKA there. So I wanted to share that video with all of you.

It's great isn't it?

And here's a great song by my buddy Andy Hawk called Chasing the Sun. he actually got the idea from a story I told him from my airlines days. I'll share that story another time, but in the meantime enjoy.

My Obsession, Taking The Fight Public!

    Obsession a compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.. We all suffer from them and each one of ours are different. Some may be obsessed with money, sex, or food. Not me, well, maybe the last one a little bit. No, my obsession is so perverse and  all consuming that it has permeated every nook and cranny of my life. And I am here to face it and admit to it in front of the blogosphere. This pains me, and my loved ones, but I am. How do I put it? Screw it, I'm just going to say it. I am obsessed with being lazy. That's right I am L- A -Z -Y. I know that may come as a surprise to all of you. But I've been keeping it quite for years, just like Andy Dick has with his career. But thought the best way to get over it, was to face it. And by doing so maybe help other closet lazy people face their fears without fear of ridicule and persecution. Here's my story.
    I guess you could say my infliction started at birth when they bundled me up in soft sheets and laid me down in that comfortable cradle for the first time and I said to myself "I like this." Then for the first year or so of my life I did nothing. All my needs were taken care of for me. When I was hungry, they fed me. When I needed bathing, they washed me, and when I did my business, well they took care of that too. It was a lifestyle that I grew accustomed to and relished in. Heck I didn't even have to worry about walking anywhere. They would just put me in a nice stroller and push me where ever I wanted to go. Oh those were a lazy mans days. Of course there were obstacles. I remember when they tried to teach me how to walk. I fought that tooth and nail and was able to hold on in my stroller steadfastly until I was seven when I no longer fit in it.
      I also remember the first time I sweated. Oh what a horrible day that was. I was playing some sport and stopped and was wondering what the salty discharge on my forehead was and why was it so cumbersome to breath? I did not like that. Plus the next day my muscles were sore and that was something this guy didn't ever want to experience again. So I figured out, I could still enjoy sport from the comfort of my own couch with the bonus of my favorite snack without the uncomfortable feeling of physical activity. Plus, I could exert my superior knowledge of all things sports that I have gained from my many years of watching sporting events on the television, by tweeting random tweets, or post on sport pages why this player, coach or team sucks and what they need to do if they ever want to amount to crap. And if I'm feeling really active I'll pick up a phone and call my local sports radio station and berate those same players/coaches, that have dedicated their entire lives to whatever sport they practice, why they need to catch the first bus out of town because they obviously stink. Thank god for technology, it really helps the lazy to maintain their lifestyle.
     But being lazy has come with a hefty price. For one it has hindered me from being famous. Yes, that's right, I should be a famous comedian by now. But I am to lazy to sit down, write jokes, practice those said jokes and then go perform those same jokes. Keeping me from reaching my full comedic potential. That my friends is a tragedy not just for me but the entire world. Could you imagine if  Bill Gates was lazy like me? Then you wouldn't be reading this I guess. My lazy obsession even turned it's evil head for this blog entry. I wanted to write this three days ago but there was a Who's The Boss marathon on the television and we had Mallomars. But all this lazy talk has made me tired and I think I have a few Mallomars left so until the next fart, don't be ashamed of your laziness, embrace it. Or whatever....


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Random Thoughts from a Random Day

  I thought I would let my blog readers get to know me a little better by sharing some random thoughts that crossed my mind on a wasted day I spent sitting in front of the TV. These are all true thoughts and are in an order that, like my thought processes, really doesn't make much sense. So sit back and enjoy them.

    I believe humans increased their intelligence to invent the automobile so we wouldn't ever have to run again. Don't let their work be in vane stop jogging.

    I'm pretty sure my SIM is dead. I haven't played SIMS for so long. Does that mean I have a real life now?

    I wish sex was as easy to have as they make it out to be on all these TV shows. Then maybe I wouldn't watch TV as much.

    Naked vacuuming is not a good look for me.

    If Brett Bielema hated what Urban Meyer did he's really going to hate how the rest of the SEC recruits.

   Why am I so cheesy? I'm watching cheesy Christmas movies on Lifetime. I have issues with my own cheesyness.

   Another wasted day, I'm a slug fish.

   That Elf on the Shelf guy seems like a complete asshole. He's always getting into other peoples shit. 

   Whatever happened to the kid that played Jonathan on Who's The Boss?

   All the cool kids wear all black, skinny pants, cooky glasses & big hats.

   I wish I was a subject of a Wikipedia page.

   I wish I had a pet Narwhal and I would call him Spike, but he probably wouldn't fit in my tub.

And that was a day in my head. Makes you wonder if I smoke to much marijuana? The fact is, I don't smoke any of it. I don't need anything that would increase my laziness or the random thoughts that fog my already full occupied mind. I hope you enjoyed them and maybe answer some of my questions. Until the next fart, I'll leave you with a picture of this butthole.