Chipotle, the Mexican Sushi Roll
I really hate the "Where Babies Come From," car commercial. If the kid asked me I would say ,"these nuts." And throw a pistachio at him.
I just realized at this stage of my life I'm George Costanza from Seinfeld.
I hope the next Pope is more fashionable. I might go to church more if his holiness was a more snazzy dresser.
I could live off an Oscar gift bag for a year.
I always feel weird when I "Like" a post on Facebook about someone's loved one's passing. They should have a My Condolences option.
I'm glad the IOC got rid of Wrestling. Now they can make Texas Hold em Poker an Olympic sport.
Baby, I love you so much I put the lid down on the toilet after I'm done.
I wanna be known as white chocolate from now on.
If I was a billionaire, I would have better socks.
I feel like I'm dating twitter.
Whenever I use a public restroom stall I like to yell "Fire in the hole!!" As a warning.
People always fart around me because they know everybody blames the big guy.
Judging by all the personal trainers and weight loss companies following me on Twitter I may have a weight problem.
I want to see Michael J Fox do a Harlem Shake video.... to soon?