Thursday, February 28, 2013
I'm Going To Be On The Air
This Saturday Morning,March 2nd 2013, I'm going to be on the air with my friend and fellow comic Tim McKenna talking sports and comedy on ESPN 1580 in Colorado Springs. We will be on at 10:00 Am Mountain Time (12 pm Eastern Time). If you would like to listen to us talk sports and comedy or what ever else fancies us you can by listening live at http://www.espn1580.com/. And if you have a question about anything please feel free to call us at 719-694-2446. We'll talk belly love!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Cheers Liquor Mart Tv Commercials
I was just thinking I would share all the tv commercials I did last year for Cheers Liquor Mart here in Colorado Springs. I'll start from the first one and end on the holiday one I did. I hope you enjoy them. And please feel free to comment and share this blog with anybody you wish. Now sit back with an adult beverage or two and a bowl of popcorn..
Thought I would throw in one from Q104 from Halifax. :)
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Ode to the 24 Pack of Crayons
ODE TO THE 24 PACK OF CRAYONS
By Melissa Getz AKA Getzilla
The 96 pack of crayons were for the non creative kids.
As a child, with only the 24 pack, you had to squeeze mileage out of each and every crayon.
The precious colored wax was not wasted on frivolous pictures, nor were they distributed
to classmates.
Every colored stick in the ostentatious 96 pack cried out to be used, only to be passed up for another.
Jealousy and tension ranked high in the lavish pack.
Crayons were bitter in that four or five looked nearly the same, only with a slight
variation in tone.
But the 24 pack, abused and rounded down.
Knew each one would eventually be a part of the picture.
And if one was gone they could not perform.
All the pigments were necessary to compliment and contrast.
(Unlike the 96 pack. Replacements lurked every where.)
In closing.
This is a story about character and creativity.
Drawing a masterpiece with 24 crayons takes creativity.
And asking your friends, who have the 96 pack, for a crayon,
builds character.
Thank You.
Melissa Getz, AKA Getzilla: Melissa's three dimensional sculpture showcase straightforward subject
matter and titles with a narrative quality throughout the work.
The work consists of stylistic bronze and mixed media in a representational form of figures and objects with a touch of lowbrow.The heavy handed human forms sit next to fluid, jaunty animal pieces that are frozen in mid movement. All with an underlying tone of humor.
Closeness to nature and creatures, create the basis for the artist's inspiration. This love of nature as well as the appreciation for the depth of the artist's own emotional discoveries is revealed in the art.
Melissa grew up in what was once rural Ohio, next to her grandfather's farm. She has worked outdoors all her life whether planting annuals in flower beds or cutting down beetle infested pines in the Pike National Forest.
Melissa currently lives in Colorado Springs and gets out into nature as much as possible with Kevin and their mutt, Rudy. http://www.bluecanvas.com/getzilla and http://www.mgetzilla.com/index.html
Friday, February 8, 2013
The Hooker and The Pork Chop
I was lucky enough to grow up in the great state of Ohio, and in particular the nice town of Brookville Ohio. A great lil town that the Beav would love to call home. The only dilemma, it was less then ten minutes by car away from the city of Dayton. A great city to be from with a long and proud history. The only problem, like a lot of rust belt cities, the city had seen it's better days. The home of the Wright brothers, Emma Bombeck and Paul Laurence Dunbar, was in the grips of the crack wars and crime that followed in my formative years. It was known as little Detroit, but not because of the long history of automotive prowress (at one time Dayton produced more cars than Detroit), but because of the crime that permeated this midwest city. Which was great for young teenage kids like me. Why do you ask? Simple, you could travel into the the city and go to the drive thru and get as much beer or liquor as you want and no one cared. The police, in those days, had more important things to worry about than a couple of dumb ass teenagers with a case of Bud Dry. You may be asking, "what the hell is a drive thru?" It's just what it say's. A building you can actually drive through, order your poison and roll out with a party in your car.
And in Dayton the drive through was and still is a sight to behold. There are more of these fine establishments than any city I have ever lived in then and ever since. There were places in town that there were four drive thru's on one corner. They have it down to a science. They would have a guy at the opening asking for your id(lol) and what you wanted. Then he would yell to the guy inside what your beverage of choice was for the evening, that guy would grab it out of the cooler and yell to another guy what you got. Then you would pay the last guy and was on your marry way. The entire transaction took maybe three minutes on a busy night. Great system, which my friends and I used regularly.
Well this Friday night, I will never forget, my buddies and I got together for a night of general teenage shenanigans like we usually did every weekend. We wanted to grab some beer and the usual channels we used dried up. So we got in my buddy Jaime's red camaro with T-Tops. Back home in Dayton Ohio we called that the Dayton Ferrai. We headed out to the Westside of Dayton bumping N.W.A. because that shit was the jam back then, looking for our adult beverages.
It was Jaime, and I in the front seat and Mark sitting in the back seat, and we pulled off Gettysburg Avenue onto a side street. I had no idea where Jaime was heading, but figured he knew so I didn't fret. We pulled into a drive thru. I couldn't tell you where it was but I can tell you this, I will never forget it, it was a red building with pac man painted on the side of it. And, oh yes, a couple of ladies of the evening, ok hookers, milling around talking to cars waiting in line. We pulled in behind a car to get our happy juice. As we sat there we couldn't help but notice this particular lady. standing behind the other hookers wearing a gold mesh shirt, braless, with cut off jeans with a gigantic rip showing off her cootchy pop. Leaving nothing to your imagination. But that's not what stood out about her. What stood out was the rather juicy pork chop she was munching on. I thought to my self," she obviously is working through lunch, kudos girl."
Of course Jaime noticed and started talking about how we should pick her up for some fun. I was against it right away, telling him I'm not into this. Mark acted kind of excited but not really committing. I told Jaime we should just get our beer and forget it. He relented, we got our case of Bud Dry and pulled out of the drive thru excited about meeting some ladies at a house party in New Lebanon. As we pulled out though, there she was, still munching on that pork chop hungerly . Jaime slowed down, I begged to no avail. Jaime pulled over, Mark was excited, I was terrified. Jaime swung the door open and said hello. She walked over licking her fingers while still holding her half eaten pork chop.
"Hay Baby, wanna date?" she said
And as she picked her teeth Jaime asked, "How much for all three?"
She took a bite of her pork chop, I was starting to get hungry actually, and said, "For all three $100."
I shook my head and said to Jaime, "No man, come on." He just looked at me smiled and said, "Ok, get in."
I buried my head thinking to my self,"great we're underage with a case of beer and a hooker, how is Katie and Virgil going to take this when they come to pick me up from jail. And I'm not going to get into the college of my choice now."
My heart dropped to my ankles as she started to step into the Dayton Ferrai. All I could see was Mark's smiling face. Then all of a sudden Jaime floored it and the Camaro lurched forward and the hooker fell on her backside. I yelled, "You asshole!" as we pulled away and looked back. Expecting to see a pimp cadillac chasing us. All I saw was the hooker in the middle of the street yelling and shaking her pork chop angrily at us before launching it at the car that did her wrong. She had quite an arm, she could of played QB for the Buckeyes, that pork chop landed with a loud thud onto the back of the Camaro window and stuck there until Jaime turned abruptly onto Gettysburg causing the pork chop to slide off the window. Hooker spit is powerful. Just another night in Dayton, Ohio.
And in Dayton the drive through was and still is a sight to behold. There are more of these fine establishments than any city I have ever lived in then and ever since. There were places in town that there were four drive thru's on one corner. They have it down to a science. They would have a guy at the opening asking for your id(lol) and what you wanted. Then he would yell to the guy inside what your beverage of choice was for the evening, that guy would grab it out of the cooler and yell to another guy what you got. Then you would pay the last guy and was on your marry way. The entire transaction took maybe three minutes on a busy night. Great system, which my friends and I used regularly.
Well this Friday night, I will never forget, my buddies and I got together for a night of general teenage shenanigans like we usually did every weekend. We wanted to grab some beer and the usual channels we used dried up. So we got in my buddy Jaime's red camaro with T-Tops. Back home in Dayton Ohio we called that the Dayton Ferrai. We headed out to the Westside of Dayton bumping N.W.A. because that shit was the jam back then, looking for our adult beverages.
It was Jaime, and I in the front seat and Mark sitting in the back seat, and we pulled off Gettysburg Avenue onto a side street. I had no idea where Jaime was heading, but figured he knew so I didn't fret. We pulled into a drive thru. I couldn't tell you where it was but I can tell you this, I will never forget it, it was a red building with pac man painted on the side of it. And, oh yes, a couple of ladies of the evening, ok hookers, milling around talking to cars waiting in line. We pulled in behind a car to get our happy juice. As we sat there we couldn't help but notice this particular lady. standing behind the other hookers wearing a gold mesh shirt, braless, with cut off jeans with a gigantic rip showing off her cootchy pop. Leaving nothing to your imagination. But that's not what stood out about her. What stood out was the rather juicy pork chop she was munching on. I thought to my self," she obviously is working through lunch, kudos girl."
Of course Jaime noticed and started talking about how we should pick her up for some fun. I was against it right away, telling him I'm not into this. Mark acted kind of excited but not really committing. I told Jaime we should just get our beer and forget it. He relented, we got our case of Bud Dry and pulled out of the drive thru excited about meeting some ladies at a house party in New Lebanon. As we pulled out though, there she was, still munching on that pork chop hungerly . Jaime slowed down, I begged to no avail. Jaime pulled over, Mark was excited, I was terrified. Jaime swung the door open and said hello. She walked over licking her fingers while still holding her half eaten pork chop.
"Hay Baby, wanna date?" she said
And as she picked her teeth Jaime asked, "How much for all three?"
She took a bite of her pork chop, I was starting to get hungry actually, and said, "For all three $100."
I shook my head and said to Jaime, "No man, come on." He just looked at me smiled and said, "Ok, get in."
I buried my head thinking to my self,"great we're underage with a case of beer and a hooker, how is Katie and Virgil going to take this when they come to pick me up from jail. And I'm not going to get into the college of my choice now."
My heart dropped to my ankles as she started to step into the Dayton Ferrai. All I could see was Mark's smiling face. Then all of a sudden Jaime floored it and the Camaro lurched forward and the hooker fell on her backside. I yelled, "You asshole!" as we pulled away and looked back. Expecting to see a pimp cadillac chasing us. All I saw was the hooker in the middle of the street yelling and shaking her pork chop angrily at us before launching it at the car that did her wrong. She had quite an arm, she could of played QB for the Buckeyes, that pork chop landed with a loud thud onto the back of the Camaro window and stuck there until Jaime turned abruptly onto Gettysburg causing the pork chop to slide off the window. Hooker spit is powerful. Just another night in Dayton, Ohio.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Stand Up or Shut Up
Sorry it's been a while since I posted on the Daily Fart. I was out of town in Ohio shaking and shimming for the Columbus Bluejacket's.
But I'm back in Colorado and ready to promote my next thing. The monthly Stand Up Or Shut Up Open Mic Comedy Night. The best open mic in the state.
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Stand Up or Shut Up is always held the last Monday of every month At Thunder and Buttons II http://www.thunderandbuttons.com/ Located at 2415 West Colorado Avenue in Colorado Springs.
Phone Number is 719- 447-9888
This Month Stand Up or Shut up falls on Monday Feb 25 and starts at 8:30 pm
21+, adult humor
No cover and no item minimum
Drink specials
Sign up by 8:30 to perform,(1) free beer to each participant
Come see 10-20 professional, amateur and destined-to-be-forever-ama
The SOS has been providing the best outlet for aspiring and pro comics to the Springs for over 0.57 dog years already and we’ll gladly take the right buttock off some mailman before we quit now. Join us and the Thunder & Buttons team for a few good beers and some great jokes. Do not attempt to feed or pet any of the comics and direct eye contact is discouraged. Hope to see all of you there. If you can't make it please share this with friends that might want to go. For more information go to https://www.facebook.com/events/546975628653951/
But I'm back in Colorado and ready to promote my next thing. The monthly Stand Up Or Shut Up Open Mic Comedy Night. The best open mic in the state.
.jpg)
Phone Number is 719- 447-9888
This Month Stand Up or Shut up falls on Monday Feb 25 and starts at 8:30 pm
21+, adult humor
No cover and no item minimum
Drink specials
Sign up by 8:30 to perform,(1) free beer to each participant
Come see 10-20 professional, amateur and destined-to-be-forever-ama
The SOS has been providing the best outlet for aspiring and pro comics to the Springs for over 0.57 dog years already and we’ll gladly take the right buttock off some mailman before we quit now. Join us and the Thunder & Buttons team for a few good beers and some great jokes. Do not attempt to feed or pet any of the comics and direct eye contact is discouraged. Hope to see all of you there. If you can't make it please share this with friends that might want to go. For more information go to https://www.facebook.com/events/546975628653951/
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
$580 MILLION DOLLAR POWERBALL WINNER!
My name is Kevin. I am not one of the winners of the $580 MILLION DOLLAR Powerball jackpot! I will have to work until I'm dead! Like and share this picture and I will give one lucky person some belly button lint and a half eaten bag of Flamin' Hot Funyuns !
Friday, January 11, 2013
Generational Genocide
Since I moved to Colorado several years back I am asked frequently, "I bet you ski a lot?" Not exactly. I had an experience many years ago back in Ohio that forced me to hang up my skis for the betterment of human kind.
It was a snowy Friday and some fellow co workers and I decided it would be a great idea to head to the Ohio Alp ( noticed I said Alp not Alps) to Mad River Mountain (glorified hill) http://www.skimadriver.com/. Ohio's premier ( yes I went there) skiing resort, for an evening of skiing bliss.
Actual picture of Mad River Mountain.
We piled out of my friends van just as the last rays of sunlight disappeared over the horizon. Maybe it was the changing of the day to dusk or the crisp winter air, but I felt alive, ready to tackle this hill like Charlie Sheen tackles sobriety. We entered the building payed our money and rented our skis. As we exited my friends headed to the ski lift. I told them since I have never really skied before I would go to the bunny hill and do a few runs and then meet up with them to ,cheesy double finger gun pumps, shred the hill later. I felt so boss, I was sure this whole skiing thing was going to be a total breeze.
As I approached the bunny hill I walked by a sign that said, "This way to the puppy hill." Puppy Hill, what's that? I walked to a little bump in the terrain and saw it covered with small children zipping down it's face. I thought to myself I'm just as novice as these guys why not latch my skis on and give it a go. I climbed the hill secured my skis to my boots then approached and looked over the precipice. As I stood there looking down the hill my confidence waned. It looked a lot higher and steeper from this angle. Fear began to take hold, I stabbed the snow hard with my poles to prevent an accidental plunge over the side. I was froze with terror until a little, I like to call him my hero, snapped me out of it with these words of wisdom." Hey tubby, you going to get out of the way or go down the hill, I don't have all day?" He was right, we didn't have all day. I turned to the five or six year old and confidently said. "I'm going over the side." With all my courage I closed my eyes and sprang down the hill squatting at the knees like I have always seen Olympic athletes do. As I picked up speed I felt the air in my hair. I opened my eyes and I was actually skiing. I couldn't believe it I was actually doing it. Kids were zipping by me like I was standing still, but I didn't care as I screamed at every one that blew by me "I'm skiing, I'm skiing!" The ride, although only took a couple of minutes, felt like an eternity. I felt like I was tearing down some black diamond run in Aspen. As I reached the bottom of the run a dilemma arose . How do I stop? I guess I didn't think this through. So I let instinct kick in, and laid down. The crash wasn't to bad and it accomplished what I wanted it to, it stopped my free fall. As I struggled getting up I was pretty pleased. I headed to the top to do it again. The second run was better than the first, and when I got to the bottom I actually stopped without falling. I looked around and said "I got this." I was starting to get pretty confident. I'll do one more run on this puppy hill then move to the bunny hill.
When I got to the top of the puppy hill for the third and last run, I must admit, that confidence turned into cockyness. I started bragging to the little kids at the top of the hill how this was my first time skiing, and I was better than some of their parents already. Then as I waited for my turn I turned to the kid next to me and said, "Why doesn't this chick go already, we don't have all day (laughing)." She finally went and I looked at the kid next to me with a stupid face and said. "About time. Now watch and see how this is done." I flung myself over the side. As my skis touched the snow I already knew something was wrong. I flung myself over the side to hard and was going to fast. My eyes got as big as saucers as I screamed "GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!" That is when I hit the first child. Poor girl didn't see it coming. She glanced off my right leg which caused my leg to lift off the ground and I began to spin. That is when I clothes lined the second child with my leg. This caused me to spin more violently and I clothes lined two maybe three more kids, I don't know it happened so fast but I did feel their little throats crash into my knee, and saw their little bodies fly through the air like rag dolls. It was horrible. Then I fell and began rolling down the hill bouncing up and down my skis flew off in different directions. I felt more children glance off my body as I barrelled down the hill.. To the right then the left, good god will this ever end? Then finally my momentum was slowed from the constant barrage of little people striking my body, I came to a halt staring at the sky. I moved and checked to make sure I was in one piece. Than at that moment the hillside began to cry and groan in unison, like it was alive. I struggled to my knees and turned to see the carnage I was responsible for lying on the hillside behind me. I wiped out a whole generation on that hill. It looked like the aftermath of the Alabama/ Notre Dame Nation Championship game. Parents began streaming up the hill to comfort their children and to curse at the adult individual that ran over their offspring. I heard the whistles of the ski patrol, so I picked up my skis and slinked off, turned them in and disappeared into the crowd at the lodge, vowing. "As Sonny Bono as my witness, I will never ski again."
It was a snowy Friday and some fellow co workers and I decided it would be a great idea to head to the Ohio Alp ( noticed I said Alp not Alps) to Mad River Mountain (glorified hill) http://www.skimadriver.com/. Ohio's premier ( yes I went there) skiing resort, for an evening of skiing bliss.
We piled out of my friends van just as the last rays of sunlight disappeared over the horizon. Maybe it was the changing of the day to dusk or the crisp winter air, but I felt alive, ready to tackle this hill like Charlie Sheen tackles sobriety. We entered the building payed our money and rented our skis. As we exited my friends headed to the ski lift. I told them since I have never really skied before I would go to the bunny hill and do a few runs and then meet up with them to ,cheesy double finger gun pumps, shred the hill later. I felt so boss, I was sure this whole skiing thing was going to be a total breeze.
As I approached the bunny hill I walked by a sign that said, "This way to the puppy hill." Puppy Hill, what's that? I walked to a little bump in the terrain and saw it covered with small children zipping down it's face. I thought to myself I'm just as novice as these guys why not latch my skis on and give it a go. I climbed the hill secured my skis to my boots then approached and looked over the precipice. As I stood there looking down the hill my confidence waned. It looked a lot higher and steeper from this angle. Fear began to take hold, I stabbed the snow hard with my poles to prevent an accidental plunge over the side. I was froze with terror until a little, I like to call him my hero, snapped me out of it with these words of wisdom." Hey tubby, you going to get out of the way or go down the hill, I don't have all day?" He was right, we didn't have all day. I turned to the five or six year old and confidently said. "I'm going over the side." With all my courage I closed my eyes and sprang down the hill squatting at the knees like I have always seen Olympic athletes do. As I picked up speed I felt the air in my hair. I opened my eyes and I was actually skiing. I couldn't believe it I was actually doing it. Kids were zipping by me like I was standing still, but I didn't care as I screamed at every one that blew by me "I'm skiing, I'm skiing!" The ride, although only took a couple of minutes, felt like an eternity. I felt like I was tearing down some black diamond run in Aspen. As I reached the bottom of the run a dilemma arose . How do I stop? I guess I didn't think this through. So I let instinct kick in, and laid down. The crash wasn't to bad and it accomplished what I wanted it to, it stopped my free fall. As I struggled getting up I was pretty pleased. I headed to the top to do it again. The second run was better than the first, and when I got to the bottom I actually stopped without falling. I looked around and said "I got this." I was starting to get pretty confident. I'll do one more run on this puppy hill then move to the bunny hill.
When I got to the top of the puppy hill for the third and last run, I must admit, that confidence turned into cockyness. I started bragging to the little kids at the top of the hill how this was my first time skiing, and I was better than some of their parents already. Then as I waited for my turn I turned to the kid next to me and said, "Why doesn't this chick go already, we don't have all day (laughing)." She finally went and I looked at the kid next to me with a stupid face and said. "About time. Now watch and see how this is done." I flung myself over the side. As my skis touched the snow I already knew something was wrong. I flung myself over the side to hard and was going to fast. My eyes got as big as saucers as I screamed "GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!" That is when I hit the first child. Poor girl didn't see it coming. She glanced off my right leg which caused my leg to lift off the ground and I began to spin. That is when I clothes lined the second child with my leg. This caused me to spin more violently and I clothes lined two maybe three more kids, I don't know it happened so fast but I did feel their little throats crash into my knee, and saw their little bodies fly through the air like rag dolls. It was horrible. Then I fell and began rolling down the hill bouncing up and down my skis flew off in different directions. I felt more children glance off my body as I barrelled down the hill.. To the right then the left, good god will this ever end? Then finally my momentum was slowed from the constant barrage of little people striking my body, I came to a halt staring at the sky. I moved and checked to make sure I was in one piece. Than at that moment the hillside began to cry and groan in unison, like it was alive. I struggled to my knees and turned to see the carnage I was responsible for lying on the hillside behind me. I wiped out a whole generation on that hill. It looked like the aftermath of the Alabama/ Notre Dame Nation Championship game. Parents began streaming up the hill to comfort their children and to curse at the adult individual that ran over their offspring. I heard the whistles of the ski patrol, so I picked up my skis and slinked off, turned them in and disappeared into the crowd at the lodge, vowing. "As Sonny Bono as my witness, I will never ski again."
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